Help for the guys - What NOT to do! Lesson One

One of the things that is funny to me is how things HAVEN'T changed since I was dating before, which was back in the Dark Ages of the 1500's. For example:

Guys are still pretty damn stupid.

Actually that can sum up EVERYTHING about dating. As my friend D says, 'Boys are dumb." And ya know? She's right.

So this is for the guys. About what NOT to do.

Lesson 1. WEAR CLOTHES.

Now, to most of us, this seems perfectly obvious. I do not parade around in my altogether. (Except in very privates places - like the shower - where there are NO cameras.) I am not a cute 20-something with a hot bod anymore.

Guys - if you are over 50 and looking for a date, please do not subject us to nakedness. It's not cute. You sag!

Prime example of a non-dater showing off his body to "impress".

Vladimir Putin, AKA Pootie-poot

Ladies, aren't you impressed? Are you all hot and bothered by this? Is this the glory of Mother Russia?

Hell no. Put your damn shirt on, Putin.

Another one, showing before and after:

Ahnold. How the mighty have sagged.

Yes, it's the mighty Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was once cute, in a muscles-in-your-eyebrows sort of way. Now, gravity has taken its toll. Yuck - I do not wish to see this.

Put your damn shirt on, Arnold.

And just as the rich and famous (those who can afford a personal trainer) are now old and kinda floppy in parts, so are the rest of us. Or more so.

Here are some real life examples.

Bub, I know you like the beach. And you're either oiled up or sweaty. But I don't want to see it!

Ew. Just ewww. We know you guys like to be fit, but most of us are not impressed with the sweaty look. Or skimpy shorts.

There are several levels in which this is wrong on a dating site. First, he's shirtless. Secondly, he's shirtless with an attractive young woman in a bathing suit - and this picture is this goober's profile picture! Who is she? We don't need competition.

Dude, you're 70. Put a shirt on. You're ruining the view.

So guys - PUT A SHIRT ON!!!

Where to go?

So what's a newly single 57 year old woman to do? Jeez, it's not like I could go to the frat parties and mixers like in college years. Most of my friends are married. And most of the single guys I know are, um, not my type. I think that's the kindest thing I could say about these folks.

And I live in a small town in the 'burbs of Hotlanta. To be honest, this town ain't that much different from Hooterville. It's conservative and provincial. (Is that this nice way of saying hick?)

No joke, the fire department used to get cats out of trees until 1980. And the police will STILL come and unlock your car if you lock your keys in. I know this to be a fact - I have used this service.

There are several large families here who everyone's either related to or is best friends with, and they run EVERYTHING. As I am more cosmopolitan and pretty liberal, I don't think I'll find someone here.

So meeting someone at the local Kiwanis Club meeting is out. So is the hope of finding someone from church...

Because I believe in things like people who love each other should be allowed to marry and I think drinking is ok and I think that we should help folks who look different from us - so I've been sorta run off from my church. I am too radical for them. Also, I don't take myself too seriously.

So...

Online dating for me!!!

I signed up for eDiscord and NotreHours. Woo-hoo! I'll be matched in no time. My Prince Charming awaits.

Well... Not so fast.

You would not believe the losers I have been matched with - and mostly by eDiscord, who advertises how well they consider your wants and personality. HA HA HA.

Seriously.

Really. Bad. Matches.

These seem to be the criterion eHarmony uses for matching me:

1. The guy has signed up for eDiscord at some point in the past 5 years. He may NOT be an active guy.
2. The person lives within 150 miles of me. This is sometimes not true.
3. They have listed some sort of Christianity as their faith. This is OK on the surface, but tougher in fact.
4. When the guy signed up, he was above ground. He wasn't dead. Might be 85, might be 35.

Most of these guys are losers at first glance. Here are some highlights, actual profile shots.

The undertaker position has been filled. Do not inquire further.

Don't you live at the North Pole? That's not near Hotlanta.

I already gave money to the local homeless shelter.

Didn't those perms go out of style in the 80's?

Hell no.

DATE ME OR I WILL F**K YOU UP!!!!!

Ahem.

Pretty bad, huh?

I'll keep trying....