Thursday, December 18, 2014

Mayberry Don

I got my first contact from NotreHours the other day - a guy calling himself Mayberry Don (Not his real name - won't do that!) contacted me. These sites can send various starters - a flirt, a smile, a rose, a kiss, HowYaDoin. So Mayberry Don sent me the first message.

Woo-hoo! Somebody likes me!

I looked at his profile, and he looked ok. Divorced, no kids, professional, lived nearby, Christian. What the heck?

So I contacted Mayberry Don.  Here's his message:

"I'm in real estate and a cattle rancher"

Not into cattle, but ok on the real estate. What else?

"Want to call me anytime tonight 999 555 1212"

Um, no. A little early. I responded with "Why don't we chat online for a moment first.." Because he could be a creeper.

So Mayberry Don gave me his email addy and requested to chat that way. OK, whatever. Here is the transcript, only edited to protect the guilty.

MD: What's your name and what do you do?
CM: I'm Crazy Mom and I work in IT in Hotlanta, I live in Hooterville.
MD:  I'm in real estate investments 30 years
CM: What kind of real estate do you deal with? How long have you been divorced? I hope it was fairly amicable.
MD: Single family so do you like travel
(Obviously Mayberry Don doesn't like the use of punctuation. Or complete sentences. Or answering questions.)

CM: I like to travel but don't get many opportunities. I was in Charleston last weekend visiting family. I had recently the opportunity to spend a week in London, but couldn't leave my teen unattended that long. Besides it's kinda cold and yucky there at the moment.
MD: Love travel. I've got a villa in Panama City beach I go to are you romantic and affectionate

(Once again sentences strung together. And a villa in Panama City - it's know here as the Redneck Riviera. Not for me.)

(Also Dandy Don, ALL women are romantic and affectionate. With the right person.)

CM: Sorry - work has been too busy for travel. Payroll week plus interviews. I Skyped with someone in Bulgaria today for a position in London. Yes, I'm romantic. Travel for me is Paris.
MD: I want to know you are you affectionate with right man

(Jeez, he's dim!)

CM: Of course! Very! I don't play games or withhold affection - that's childish.
MD: I like you


CM: Please tell me a little bit more about yourself.
MD: I'm in real estate live n east jesus home in pcbeach div no kids nice guy
CM: Not very talkative, are you? Surely there's a little more to you than just shorthand facts!
MD: Let's talk by phone I'm much better

At this point I gave it up on the email. And I went to the phone. And what did I find?

Mayberry Don LIED.

He was NOT better on the phone.

He was WORSE!!!

It was like pulling teeth to get him to say anything. Dental surgery would have been more pleasant.

I did find out that he's sho 'nuff wealthy. He owns over 100 single family homes, and has a staff to take care of things. But how his staff gets direction is beyond me - maybe they are mind readers.

And when he found out that I may be moving from Hootervile, he immediately invited me to move into his three story house.

Whoa cowboy! Slow down!

I then politely ended the conversation and bid adieu to Mayberry Don.

Surely I can do better...

1 comment:

  1. CM, this is HILARIOUS! Still agreement! : ))